Wondering What Could Have Been

I won’t be able to sleep. I know this even before I lie down. It’s 12 and I didn’t wake up until 8 and I just finished the largest sized cup of iced coffee you can get from Starbucks. The new Starbucks in town is nice, but busy. It’s the first trendy thing that has popped up here. Give me a Trader Joe’s, and I would have died and gone to heaven.

I open my eyes every so often to look at my phone. It’s on vibrate so I’ll know if a message comes in, but this is not enough to stop me from doing so. I wait, just like I do every other day, from a text from him. Which doesn’t make any sense. The last time I heard from him, he was “getting married in a few months.” It’s been more than a few months, whatever a few means. He has a wife, a house, money in the bank, and sperm that’s ready to make life. Why would he text me? He wouldn’t, but that’s not enough to stop me from wondering if he will. Maybe he’ll realize he loves me too much to get married and invite me to San Diego, like on that one day we spent together. My laugh is sinister in the peaceful confines of my bedroom. Yeah, right.

He did text me that one night almost two years ago. When I was ready to start a life with someone new. He did always have the worst timing. All the things he said. He was drunk, but that’s no excuse not to believe someone. If anything, drunk people should be more believable. The only reason they say what they say is because the alcohol removes their fear. The real truth comes out. And the real truth came out that night. The night he told me that he loved me, and that he would always cherish the memories he made with me. That I deserved this new guy who treated me like his whole world because that’s how he should have treated me. That I deserved to be happy. Of course that life with someone new didn’t work out, and if I could go back, I would. have spent that night with him like I had spent so many nights before. Because now I was alone, wondering what could have been. I must be honest with myself though. It wouldn’t have turned into anything, just like the other nights never turned into anything. There would always be someone better than me, like his wife was now.

I did eventually fall asleep, after five more times of peeking at my phone. I dreamt of the cute guy in class, who is probably ten years younger than me. In my dream, he went out of his way to say hello, and I felt warm. I was smiling uncontrollably, as he kept sneaking glances my way. I joked with my girlfriends at work that I had a new crush every day. I wasn’t wrong.

Though I did fall asleep, it wasn’t for long. I woke up after about a half hour to the buzzing of my phone. Please let it be him, I thought, my fingers trembling to get to my messages in a hurry. It was just Sarah. I shouldn’t say that about my best friend. Just. It’s not that I was disappointed it was her, just disappointed that it wasn’t him.

I think what I would do if I had the chance to see him again. I like to think that I would decline. I’d rather have my last memory with him than a new one. There wasn’t a new memory we could create that would be better than the last one we had. He was right. I would always cherish the time I had with him.


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